i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
