Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
