I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
