Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
