Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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