I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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