Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
