On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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