I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize