I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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