I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Someone came in the potted fern
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
