I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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