why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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