Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
