In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
