it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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