Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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