the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
