i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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