someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
