Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
