Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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