just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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