Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my shit smells like andre
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
