She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
