oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
