My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
