Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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