Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
