So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
