I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
