im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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