You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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