Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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