Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
