Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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