Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
