i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
