If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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