Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
