just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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