ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
