did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize