I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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