unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
