Already got asked if we're dating
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
