Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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