I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
