Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize