I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
