Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
