you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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