We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
