They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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