I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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