If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
