i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
