awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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