I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
