Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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